A Dark Morning

November 3, 2010 at 9:15 PMNov (Friends, Media, Musings, Slice Of Life, Soliloquy)

Photos of the decade- It was a link that friend Smrithi shared on buzz. There were around fifty photographs and almost every photograph was moving. But one particular photo has been haunting me ever since my eyesfell on that photograph. It is of a mother from Iraq standing next to thecorpse of her young son laid on a stretcher.

It has been haunting me for it reminded me of a particular incident from my life. This incident took place around two years ago. I had resign from my first job because of dirty politics and false allegations by theopponent party. The trauma of the false allegations and losing of the job was such that I couldn’t take and hence attempted suicide. Before my attempt turned successful my father discovered my attempt and I was rushed to the hospital. Iwas ‘saved’.

Treatment continued for some days in the hospital where mostof the times I was put to sleep. One morning I was woken up by tears that were falling on my hand. The cry could be heard. It was my mother’s cry. The tears that were falling on my hand were her tears. She was standing next to the bedand crying, looking at her son who just survived a suicide attempt. She was holding the white bed sheet tightly and shedding tears which also fell on myhand. The cry did choke her breath revealing the intensity of her pain. I opened my eyes slowly. Saw my mother. Felt guilty of what I had done to myself without considering the consequences of my act for others.

I wanted to get up hold her hand, ask her to forgive me and just breathe… But the guilt within me was heavy and overpowering. Could all the Neptune’s ocean have cleansed my hand? Could all the perfume of Arabia make myhand smell sweet? I had become too selfish and indulged in an act which hadcaused a deep wound in the heart and soul of the lady who gave me birth. I wanted to get up, hold her hand, ask her to forgive me and just breathe… But I closedmy eyes and pretended to sleep till she placed a kiss on my forehead and left theroom to get breakfast for me.

I haven’t forgotten that dark morning… Nor have I forgivenmyself. How can I?

12 August 2010

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