Soliloquy Of An Atheist

November 3, 2010 at 9:15 PMNov (Friends, Literature, Musings, Slice Of Life, Soliloquy)

She stopped. She had stopped with not even a minute passing after she said, “Let us go. It is already dark and I am getting late.” It was a no man’s land with a lake on one side and a small temple on the other side. We were standing before the temple as she stopped walking. She was looking at the temple. “Do you want to go to the temple?” I asked. She just nodded her head to indicate “yes” and started walking towards the temple. My steps started accompanying hers.

“My mother will be so happy to know that I went to a temple,” I said and laughed. “Why? You don’t go to the temple usually?” she asked. “What will I do in the temple?” I cross questioned. “What do we all do in the temple?” she answered in the form of a question. “You all believe that there is a God,” and before I could continue she interrupted to say, “And you don’t believe in God, is it?” With a small pause in the beginning of the sentence I said, “People say that I do not believe in God. But it is wrong. I believe, I believe that there is no God.”

We had almost entered the temple as she said, “But there must be some supernatural power. Don’t you think so?” As we entered the temple we both went silent. Except for the priest and his son there was nobody in the temple. We walked slowly towards the shrine. I was reading all the ‘holy’ chanting written on the wall of the temple. She folded her hand, bent her head down, closed her eyes and started saying her prayers, heart in heart. The closed eyes with folded hands gave away more than what the open eyes and open hands could not. I was sitting with her for more than an hour and she had not spoken a single word as to why she had gone to that no man’s land all alone. She had refused to say what was bothering her. She not even once did say, “I am in pain.” But this gesture of folded hand and closed eyes with head bent slightly, said it all.

I could distantly hear her dialogue with the God. Though not the exact words, I guess, I knew the exact issue being discussed. It was quite a long discussion. I kept looking at her for a while. Her hand folded, her eyes closed and her head slightly bent down. A thought passed by my mind. A thought which creates a hole in the expected thought line of an atheist. “How I wish, today, that there was a God!” I told myself. I slowly turned towards the idol and stared at the idol of God. It was nothing but a piece of art (sculpture) to me. As she was still folding her hand with closed eyes and head bent down, I spoke to the piece of art (sculpture). I said, “I wish you were real.”

I really did wish that there was a God, who could listen to her crying whisper and her whispering cry. A God, who would listen, console and attend to the problems, set things right, ensure justice, who would mother the people of the world. Yes, such a God. How nice it would have been if there was such a God. A God who would listen to her, who unable to speak of her agonies, silently suffering, I thought such a God should have existed. Not just listen to her who was with me, but also to the numerous beings who all stand with folded hands and closed eyes before the sculpture kept in the shrine.

My eyes were swollen with tears. I wiped the tears. I was in need of a God, a God who would attend to the problems of mortals, who would understand human suffering and act to ensure peace and justice. And urgently attend to the problem of this person who was standing next to me and before the idol kept inside the shrine. I wanted the idol to take life as a God, as I was feeling the absence of something important in this world, that of a super human power. Yes, I who believe that there is no God wanted a God. But I knew heart in heart that there could be no God.

How wonderful this world would have been if there was a God who would not let disasters like world war, genocides, tsunami, earthquake etc not happen!!! Who would not turn humans into weak lesser humans standing before him/her/it helplessly with eyes closed folded hands and head bent down. How wonderful it would have been! But alas!!! Unfortunately, there is no God.

If he/she/ it really exist and he/she/it only created this world, then there is only thing that I have to tell him/her/it: “What a non creative creature you are.” Yes, what else than non creative with poverty of imagination. How heartless!!! If he/she/it were to have some creative, imaginative skill with a heart, wouldn’t this world have been a better place? If it were a better place would she be standing here with folded hands, closed eyes and head bent down? If it were a better place would Greagory Patro be issued with a notice to vacate his land for the sake of ‘national interest’ in the name of Mangalore Special Economic Zone? If it were a better place would Pattabhi face threats for speaking of justice and equality? If it were a better place would Chandrakala Biswhokarma (12), Devisara Bishwokarma (39), and Amrita Biswhokarma (28) be shot to death by the Nepali army for they went to Wildlife Park in search of a herb named Kaulo? If it were a better place would the 74 CRPF members be killed in a war that has been announced by the Government of India against its own people? If it were a better place to live would many such incidents ever take place?

All these incidents and this imbalance of the world is nothing but strong evidences, for me, to believe that there is no God. If he/she/it does and this world and life is his/her/its creation then this non creative non imaginative heartless being does not deserve to be seen as a God. The second thought is false because it doesn’t appear to me that there exists some super human power.

I remember what A.N. Moorthyrao wrote in his book ‘Devaru’ (Pg 148) to mean ‘God’- a book presenting his take over the idea of God. He writes, “When I say there is no God, I do not announce it with some kind of joy or happiness in my heart. It is not the pride of being a rational and a non-conservative that resides in my heart as I say that there is no God. It is not even to make a mockery of people who do believe that there is a super human power. When I say that there is no God I say it with a lot of pain in my heart… Who would not want a God who could solve the miseries of the world? God should have been there, but he/she/it isn’t there. This is our disgraceful irony.”

“It is already dark…” there is no one in the temple… she is standing with her eyes closed hands folded and head slightly bent down… I laugh and I also cry… “This is our disgraceful irony.”

17 April 2010

1 Comment

  1. shivaraj said,


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