Life Changes With The Second Throw Of The Dice

September 25, 2011 at 9:15 PMSep (Friends, Letter, Musings, Slice Of Life, Soliloquy)

While reading the new book of Rahmat Tarikere sir, his article on Hazart Nizamuddin dargha reminded me of my last visit to Nizamuddin dargha, few days before coming back from New Delhi.

That evening, at Nizamuddin, i saw a stranger who was crying helplessly. It was clearly visible that he was in some extremely helpless condition. But in his eyes i saw not just tears and helsplessness, but also love and also hope. At that point, as the stranger cried and cried and cried, i remembered a mail i had written to a friend just a few days before (on 24 June 2011) my visit to Hazrat Nizamuddin. Here i am reproduding that entire mail, for i am also reminded of that mail along with that man who i saw at the dargha.

Adaab

Remembering you and one of our very first conversations, since the two days…

It must have been late summer or early monsoon 2007, if i remember correctly… Those were the days of Orkut and not Facebook. You had copy scrapped some sentences and stated that if the same were to be scrapped for ten more people your wishes would come true and if not, one would have bad times to come their way. When read those sentences carefully, i figured out that it had sandwiched a holy hymn of a religion between several meaningless words and also had mocked the hymn, in a way. I was annoyed and sent you a message raising objections about the same.

Couple of days later i had seen your reply in my message box. It read something in the lines of- “may be it held something annoying within it, but the fear it generated in me, made me scrap the same to several others.” To this you added- “You dont know that i am going through some problems and at this point of time i cannot afford to take more problems on myself.” Saying this you had concluded with the words- “Sorry if it hurt your sentiments but i am so hurt that i could not think and anything that gives me some hope, i just hold on to it, without giving a second thought.”

When darkness settles in our worlds, how desperately we look for light. All politically incorrect statements are made, all illogical decisions are taken, all immature moves are made, all done like a small baby which beats its hands and legs, out of sheer helplessness.

The reason why i remembered this conversation with you is- few days ago i asked a friend’s friend if she would be able to meet me in Delhi. Her name is Vatsala Shugal. I had met her around six months ago in Mumbai when our common friend Deepanshi alias Daadi Ma had taken me to her. Vatsala does tarot card reading. She had done it for Daadi Ma earlier and when Daadi Ma had mentioned about it i had laughed about the entire thing and very mockingly had said, “I would like to get this done sometime”. Though i had forgotten about it, Daadi ma had not. So when i went to Mumbai to see Daadi Ma, she took me to Vatsala and got the tarot card read. My disbelief in God and the cards is well known to all. But still i went to Vatsala because its Daadi Ma who took me and Daadi Ma has the liberty to do such things with me, to take to the card reader or take me to the temple. That apart… Recently i asked Vatsala again, if she could meet me here in Delhi and do the card reading for me… She said she would but before we could decide when and where to meet, my net connection got disconnected and couldn’t connect to her later… So, day before yesterday while sitting with my teacher (H.S. Shivaprakash) i asked him if he would do tarot card reading for me… He agreed and did…

That night, while walking back from his house and during the late night swim i kept laughing at myself and my own helplesness which had pushed me to do something which i myself do not believe in… But when i asked Vatsala if she would do the reading for me or when i asked my Sir to do the reading for me i did not laugh at myself… I was anxious and i wanted to see if the cards could help me in any which way… Do i believe in it? No. But i did look for some healing through it… Its for this reason that i remembered all of our conversation…

Now i think of it, i can see myself shuffle the cards… I can see myself spreading the cards on the table… Asking a question and picking up three cards from my left hand and handing it over to my Sir… He answers… I shuffle the cards again and i spread it on the table again… Taash Kay Patton Ki Tarha Hai Zindagee Meri. Aur Patton Ko Baharhaal Bikhar Jaana Hai… That is it… Life is just about breaking into pieces… But its strange and beautiful too as to see what goes through the mind, and how and all it clings to hopes, when the card is being shuffled and spread across the table… Before i ask the next question, i know, i should pick up all the cards once again and put them together… Life changes with the second throw of the dice… I continue to play… With no belief in cards or on the so called God…

Peace

I did not believe. But i wanted to believe that things will fall into place again. I wanted hope. I wanted something to hold on to. I had visited Hazrat Nizamuddin, that evening, not to listen to Kawwali alone… And my friend Shobha puts it beautifully, “While i dismiss all rituals as stupid, i will never dismiss what prompts people to report to them, because i know what it means to be there.”

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1 Comment

  1. Sumangala said,

    Sometimes, we just need a reassurance that things will get sorted out. 🙂 good one, sir.

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