Desire and Fear

May 11, 2012 at 9:15 PMMay (Friends, Musings, Slice Of Life, Soliloquy)

Reading my previous blog post a friend sent me an SMS saying he deactivated his birthday reminder on Facebook and none of his friends (including me), even the closet of friends, did not wish him for all forgot about it. He said, only some family members remembered his birthday and wished him.

This thought of deactivating the reminder had crossed my mind too. I gave it a lot of thought. But then I decided not to deactivate only for the reason that I was scared of a wish-less emptiness! I was scared that the realization of people forgetting me, even on my birthday, would make me feel an intense vacuum within me. But when I did not deactivate and people wished me after being reminded by Facebook, I felt disgusted by it. Not because it took a social networking site to remind people of me but for I felt that wishing when one doesn’t remember me for the whole of the year was reducing me to nothingness. And also because it was some social networking site which reminded them not of my birthday but my very existence which else was forgotten by them.

I am caught in the fear of nothingness and the disgust of an illusive presence. I am caught between this fear of wish-less, forgotten existence accompanied by an immortal loneliness and the desire to be in company and be remembered- affectionately- to keep me warm in this otherwise cold world. I am caught between desire and fear, longing for love and affection- an unwaxed one.

This weird coexistence (of desire and fear) in my existence within existential vacuum is because of what my longing is. The desire keeps me going, makes me hope. The fear keeps breaking me and slowing down my walk, searching for some unknown green fields.

Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weakness.