When Friends Change And Friendships Change…

July 17, 2012 at 9:15 PMJul (Friends, Literature, Musings, Poetry, Slice Of Life, Soliloquy)

Speaking about a particular scene from his Blue, where the protagonist meets a street musician who is playing a tune composed by her husband, the filmmaker Kieslowski said that he was not trying to say that the husband stole the music from the street musician or that the street musician stole it from the husband. He said he thinks that music is floating in air and that is why two people can catch the same music at the same time in two different places. At times I feel that thoughts are also floating in the air and some catch it and that is how some people are all thinking the same/similar thing at a given point of time.

Few days ago a friend pinged me on gtalk and asked: “Sir friends naa banao toh problem.. banao toh proble.. aisa kyun hota hai..why few ppl who truly give their trust, heart in friendship gets nothing in return apart frm shocks..??!! ??” that very night another friend, while chatting said, “u know the worst thing is when people grow apart for no reason at all,” and continued to say, “Whom can u blame? no one and that can be sooo painful. Just as love comes unannounced, it leaves without making any noise, unsaid words, unexpressed feelings.”

While both of them were speaking almost the same the first one was stressing on trust being broken and causing shock the second one on the lack of a proper reason for the growing apart and was stressing on the loss of a relationship in the changing nature of the relationship.

Just a day before that a friend had shared a wonderful article by Arshia Sattar where the author speaks of how Sita was hurt by not finding her beloved Rama after the war, who had turned into king Rama, and this change of the person leading to the change in the relationship hurt Sita for which she preferred death to getting back to the changed Rama, by proving her chastity.

Tum Masarrat Ka Kaho Ya Issey Gam Ka Rishta
Kehatey Hai Pyaar Ka Rishtaa Hai Janam Ka Rishta
Hai Janam Ka Jo Yeh Rishta Toh Badltaa Kyun Hai.
                                                                                                               – Kaifi Azmi

This evening a similar topic came up when I was having chai (over chai) with two friends. He spoke about a recent experience where someone who had taken major help from him had spoken to him in a very indifferent manner. That triggered it all. He said that it was not the first time that such a thing had happened with him. Several times several people on whom he had invested a lot of affection had behaved indifferently after their work, with him, was done. I was in total solidarity with him but she said that it is the nature of humans to be ungrateful and its high time we accepted the hard truth. No, he was not ready to agree with her. Nor was I ready to agree. To agree with it, I thought, was to say it was ok to be ungrateful.

Yes, to be treated with indifference hurts. It hurts when the person who took your help are ungrateful to you and thankless. It hurts because the person was all good till the work got done and then turns totally indifferent once the work is done. But it hurts even the more when friends change and when friendships change. To be treated by once upon a time good friend indifferently hurts. The very fact that friendship has become a story of ‘once upon a time’ hurts. It hurts when in the changed relationship the changed friend forgets the past. It shocks. It pains. Even the more when the change in the friend and friendship cannot be explained logically.

He said how some of his friends, on reaching some position in life, would not receive his calls or call back even while having his number. “Even if they are busy at that point of time cant they call back. At least after a day or two?” he asked.

Do people actually get so busy that they cant take out two minutes from an entire year to speak to a friend? No I cannot believe that a person would get that busy. Its just about changed priority and changed relationship. To come to believe that you are no more a priority of a friend who was very close and that the relationship has changed, can be extremely painful. Why do priorities change? Why do friends change? Why do friendships change? The absence of an answer makes the experience even the more painful.

“How can people be so selfish? Use people when you are in need and then forget so easily? Remember only when there is a need and forget completely when there is no need at all?”- He asked. him she said, “People are selfish, so you should stop expecting any good from them.” How selfish can people be? Can they be so selfish that the entire friendship is just a performance in the time of need? Is that also possible? If that could be a possibility how can anyone be trusted?

Listening to the two and thinking about it loudly in my mind I remembered a friend who was telling me about someone who broke her trust. My friend told me, “I was happy in my world till this person broke my trust. Now I am not able to trust anyone and love anyone without wax and that has spoiled my peace of mind because I am skeptical about everyone now.”

That may be generalizing. An exemplum. But when betrayed by dear ones one can naturally come to a position where s/he would say, “if near and dear ones can betray anyone and everyone can,” which can lead to such generalized notions. But what the real tragedy here is that trust on entire humanity is lost. That is a great loss. When friends change and friendships change the greatest loss is the loss of love and affection between the two and the loss of trust. This loss of love, affection and trust can eventually lead to the loss of humanity inside the heart of the betrayed.

“I fear I am reaching a position, after being hurt by all changing friends and broken trust, where I want to hurt all those who have hurt me,” I said. He was shocked I think by the way he was looking at me. She asked, “What is that you will achieve by that?” I don’t know. But what can the loss of love, affection and trust can do is this. It can turn a human inhumane. It can make one inhumane leading to self-destruction, like Sita. Or lead to destruction of the other. <not denying the fact that a middle path is a possibly >

If the change in friend and friendship is actually unmasking of the real self and if friendship was a performance at the time of need, then the chances of a human turning inhumane are high for the very thought that one was used by someone, one’s emotion was fooled and one’s affection was turned into a joke by using it for some selfish reasons can be a nightmare, especially if the friend was kept very close to the heart. It can shock. It can shock to the level that heart would get numb forever, losing its ability to be sensitive. Now that loss of sensitivity is the real loss. The loss of sensitivity becoming a loss of humanity is the real loss. The inability to trust and love is the real loss.

Who is to be blamed? As Buddha said is human expectation to be blamed? If that be true is the person who used you, made a joke out of your affection innocent? The friend who changed colors, innocent? Or is the very attachment to the friend to be blamed? Is there a need to blame anyone or anything? Even if someone or something is blamed, will the pain of a changed friendship, loss of love, loss of trust, loss of humanity, be healed?

There is nothing that one can do but helplessly watch at life mocking at the tragedy. It is impossible to accept the changed relationship and live with it. That is why Sita prefers death over being with Rama. But giving away life for someone who doesn’t care for you seems worthless. Living with it appears stupid. Once a mirror gets broke what is one to do with broken images? Any attempt to collect them and put them together will only cut one’s hand leaving it wounded. To leave it lying on the floor becomes impossible because of the emotions invested on that mirror. Humans get pulled between opposing forces when relationships close to heart change, when trust is broken, when emotions are played with and joke is made out of affections by using it as benefit, an opportunity. It is humanity which suffers in these kinds of tragedies.

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